फ़ोन का बहुत अधिक बिल आने पर एक आदमी ने अपने घर के सभी लोगों को बुलाया और कहने लगा।

आदमी: देखो, मुझे इस बात पर बिल्कुल भी यकीन नही हो रहा है कि फ़ोन का इतना अधिक बिल कैसे आ सकता है? जबकि मैं तो सारे फ़ोन अपने ऑफिस के फ़ोन से करता हूँ।

पत्नी: बिल्कुल, मैं भी! मैं तो कभी भी इस फ़ोन से फ़ोन नही करती क्योंकि मेरे पास तो अपना ऑफिस वाला फ़ोन है।

बेटा: मुझे तो मेरी कंपनी वालों ने बिल्कुल नया फ़ोन दिया है मैं तो उसी से फ़ोन करता हूँ।

नौकरानी: तो इसमें दिक्कत क्या है साहब? सभी अपने काम वाले फ़ोन से ही फ़ोन करते हैं।

एक औरत अपने बेडरुम के आईने के सामने खड़ी थी।

वह अपने आपको आईने में देखकर वह बहुत नाखुश थी तभी उसके पति का वहां आना हुआ। वह अपने पति से कहती है,"देखो ना आजकल मै कितनी बुजुर्ग, मोटी और गंदी दिख रही हूं, अपनी ऐसी हालत देखकर तो मेरा मूड ही खराब हो गया है मेरा मूड ठीक करने के लिए मेरी इच्छा है कि आप कम से कम एक बार मेरी तारीफ कर दो।"

उसके पति ने उसकी तारीफ़ करते हुए कहा,"अरे तुम तो कमाल हो इस उम्र में भी तुम्हारी आंखें इतनी अच्छी तरह से देख पाती है"।

Wake Up guys!!!

Valentine died for love,
Romeo also died for love,
Jack in Titanic died for love,
Samson in the Bible died for love,
Greek heroes Hercules and Achilles died 4 love.
Even Jesus Christ died for love!
Where are the women?

Don't buy any woman a Valentine's treat/ Gift/ Diamond ring this year until she gives you atleast 5 names of women who died for love...
Because no woman would die for love..

Private JOb Life!!

Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli: Iss bar koi Janwaron ke Doctor ko dikhao tabhi aap theek hoge??

Pati: Woh Kyon ??

Biwi: Roz Subah Murge ki tarah Jaldi Uthh Jate ho...
Ghode ki tarah Bhag-Bhag ke Office chale Jate ho...
Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho...
Lomadi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banate ho...
Bandar ki tarah client ke ishare par nachte ho...
Ghar aakar pariwar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho....
Aur fir bhainse ki tarah khaa kar so jate ho...
Insaano ka Doctor tumhe kya theek kar payega !!!!

Scientist Competition!!!

Once there was a competition conducted with Scientists from America, France and China.

The Americans reported: "We crossed chickens with cows. And now the new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs."

On this, Scientists from France came with the report: "We crossed flies and bees. Now, the hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey."

Chinese gave others run for their money.

They said: "We crossed a melon with cockroaches. And now when you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves..."

Feeling Lonely!!!

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.

"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"

Lamaze Class!!!

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Laila Majnu!!!

Laila ne Majnu ko ek ped ke peeche dekha aur Boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

Majnu Bola: Haan.

Phir kuch der baad Laila ne Majnu ko jhadiyon ke peeche dekha toh vo boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

Majnu Bola: Haan, main Majnu hi hoon.

Phir kuch der baad us ne Majnu ko ek diwaar ke peeche dekha aur pucha: Tum Majnu hi ho na ??

Majnu bola: Haan-haan Laila... main Majnu hi hoon, tum mujhe susu karne dogi ya nahin???

Change Of Mind!!!

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.

After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.

Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.

"Well`, said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

you are not my daddy anymore!!!

Father, apne bete se: Agar iss baar tum exam mein fail hue toh mujhe kabhi papa mat kehna.

Exams ke kuch dinon ke baad jab result aaya tab baap ne bete ko apne room mein bualaya.

Father: How is your result?

Beta kuch nahin bolta aur chup-chaap sir jhukaye khada rehta hai.

Father: Behre ho gye ho kya? Maine pucha ki result kaisa raha tumhara?

Beta: Arre dimag ka dahi mat kar BABULAL tum baap hone ka haq kho chuke ho...

HALLELUJAH!!!

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from that river."

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED, "HALLELUJAH!!!"

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.” 
― Alfred Tennyson

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 
― Robert Fulghum, True Love

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” 
― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.” 
― Bob Marley

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” 
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” 
― Elie Wiesel

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” 
― André Gide, Autumn Leaves

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” 
― Dr. Seuss

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.” 
― William W. Purkey

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Dirty Mind!!!

Once upon a time 
...........
PUSSY meant a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BJ was a NICK-NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was nothing BUT an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a Fixing TOOL
Head meant a PART of a body
BALLS meant a Round TOY
NUT meant DRY-FRUIT
69 was just a number

OUR DIRTY MIND 

Nepali BOys!!

Nepali boys drinking scenario:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

First step - Contribution
1 glass - calm and cool
2 glass - fun and jokes
3 glass - starts speaking English
4 glass - start calling all the girls in your contact list
5 glass and more - start a fight

Final step - wake up in the morning, all your mobile balance gone,
start searching for the same friends again

Life

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later
-Og Mandino

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

-Dalai Lama

बेवफ़ाई

महफ़िल ना सही, तन्हाई तो मिलती है;
मिलें ना सही, जुदाई तो मिलती है;
प्यार में कुछ नहीं मिलता;
वफ़ा ना सही, बेवफ़ाई तो मिलती है।

दर्द

दर्द कितना है बता नहीं सकते;
ज़ख़्म कितने हैं दिखा नहीं सकते;
आँखों से समझ सको तो समझ लो;
आँसू गिरे हैं कितने गिना नहीं सकते।

जुदाई

बहुत दूर है मेरे शहर से तेरे शहर का किनारा;
फिर भी हम हवा के हर झोंके से तेरा हाल पूछते है।

एक-एक क़तरे का...

एक एक क़तरे का मुझे देना पड़ा हिसाब;
ख़ून-ए-जिगर वदीअत-ए-मिज़गान-ए-यार था;

अब मैं हूँ और मातम-ए-यक शहर-ए-आरज़ू;
तोड़ा जो तू ने आईना तिम्सालदार था;

गलियों में मेरी नाश को खेंचे फिरो कि मैं;
जाँ दाद-ए-हवा-ए-सर-ए-रहगुज़ार था;

मौज-ए-सराब-ए-दश्त-ए-वफ़ा का न पूछ हाल;
हर ज़र्रा मिस्ले-जौहरे-तेग़ आबदार था;

कम जानते थे हम भी ग़म-ए-इश्क़ को पर अब;
देखा तो कम हुए पे ग़म-ए-रोज़गार था।
~ Mirza Ghalib

हम ना मिलें

सब ने चाहा कि उसे हम ना मिलें;
हम ने चाहा उसे ग़म ना मिलें;
अगर ख़ुशी मिलती है उसे हम से जुदा होकर;
तो दुआ है ख़ुदा से कि उसे कभी हम ना मिलें।

याद

हर एक मजार पर उदासी छाई है;
चाँद की रौशनी में भी कमी आई है;
अकेले अच्छे थे हम अपने आशियाने में;
जाने क्यों टूटकर आज फिर आपकी याद आई है।

इंतज़ार

उदास आँखों में करार देखा है;
पहली बार उसे इतना खुश और बेक़रार देखा है;
जिसे खबर ना होती थी मेरे आने जाने की;
उसकी आँखों में अब इंतज़ार देखा है।

Aatmahatya/suicide.... :D

बंता एक बिल्डिंग की चालीसवीं मंजिल पर खड़ा हुआ था कि तभी उसके मोबाइल की घंटी बजी।

उधर से किसी ने कहा,"संता, अभी-अभी तेरी बीवी प्रीतो एक्सीडेंट में मर गई।" 

मारे दु:ख के उसने फौरन चालीसवीं मंजिल से ही छलांग लगा दी। 

जब वह तीसवीं मंजिल के पास पहुंचा, तब उसने सोचा कि, "ये प्रीतो कौन है? इसे तो मैं जानता ही नहीं।"

बीसवीं मंजिल पर,"मेरी तो अभी शादी ही नहीं हुई।"

दसवीं मंजिल पर,"यार, मेरा नाम तो बंता है, संता नहीं!"

Dur kaa rishtha!!!

एक आदमी: तुम्हारा इस लड़के से क्या रिश्ता है?

लड़का: जी! बहुत दूर का रिश्ता है।

आदमी: फिर भी क्या रिश्ता है?

लड़का: जी! वह मेरा सगा भाई है।

आदमी: तो तुम इसे दूर का रिश्ता क्यों बताते हो?

लड़का: क्योंकि इसके और मेरे बीच सात भाई और हैं।

Galat Sangat !!!

एक बार एक शराबी नशे में टुन होकर गिरता पड़ता अपने घर पहुंचा।

उसकी यह हालत देख रात में तो पत्नी ने उसे कुछ नहीं कहा परन्तु सुबह होते ही उसकी खबर लेने की ठानी।

सुबह होते ही पत्नी अपने पति से बोली।

पत्‍‌नी : रात को आप पीके गटर में गिर गए थे।

पति : क्या बताऊं, सब गलत संगत का असर है, हम चार दोस्त, एक बोतल और वह तीनों पीते नहीं।

daaru!!!

बंता की टूटी हुई टांग देख कर संता,"तुम्हारी टांग कैसे टूट गई?"

बंता: क्या बताऊं यार, कल दारू कम पी थी, इसलिए।

संता: दारू कम पीने से टांग कैसे टूट सकती है?

बंता: सीधी सी बात है, अगर मैंने छक कर पी होती तो मैं ठेके पर ही लुढ़क गया होता। कम पी थी इसलिए घर आने के लिए निकला और रास्ते में गढ्डे में गिर गया।

बिजुली

एकदिन शेरेले आफ्नो घरको बिजुली मर्मत
गर्दै
थियो । अनि उसले आफ्नो बुढीलाई kk
बोलाएछ ।
शेरे – ओ बुढी…. यता सुन् त ! बुढी – के
हो ?
शेरे – एकछिन यता आइजा त… बुढी – ल
आएँ , अब
भन ?
शेरे – यी दुईवटा तार मध्ये
एउटामा समात त…
बुढी – किन ?
शेरे – एकचोटी समात् न भनेको… बुढी –
ल
समातेँ…
शेरे – केहि भयो ?
बुढी - केही भएन …
शेरे – ल ठिक छ … यसको मतलब करेन्ट
अर्को तारमा छ ….

Mainbatti!!!

Sere lai k churot khana man lagexa k. Ani usle salai khoje xa. Salai khoje xa. Vetayna xa . Ani 
...

Ani k 

maen batti nivay xa ra sute xa. :D

Harkey!!!

Harkhe:sunna yar ajha mero budi aru sanga film hall ma film herna gayako dekheko thiya yar..
Birkhe:ya hora ani taile tini haru ko fallow garenasta..?
Harkhe:nai mata garena...
Birkhe:kina...?
Harkhe:ya tyo film maile paile nai hereko thiya k tesaile..!

Buda Budi!!!!

Pati ra patni bazaarma shoping garna gayexa....

Patni: "ma sanga sadi xa tara ramro sadi xaina sent ko cc xa tara sent xaina chura xa tara ramro xaina"

pati: ma pani timi jastai ho kholtima purse xa tara paisa xaina

Reality !!!

“You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.”

-Unknown

You Are Different !!!!!!!

Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”

—Timothy Leary

Emotionally Sound !!!1

The emotionally sound person should be able to take risks, to ask himself what he really would like to do in life, and then to try to do this, even though he has to risk defeat or failure. He should be adventurous (though not necessarily foolhardy); be willing to try almost anything once, just to see how he likes it; and look forward to some breaks in his usual life routines.

—Albert Ellis

Faith!!!

The best way to see Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.

—Benjamin Franklin

control!!!!!!!

"Most people expect way too much from others while they themselves actually get very little done. Inertia and distraction are insidious and damn near universal - expect it in others but guard against it in your own behavior.

Everyone listens to his or her favorite mental radio station - W.I.I.F.M., which stands for, “What’s In It For Me?” So don’t take it personally when you’re overlooked, your call goes un-returned, and you go un-thanked.

Most of your fellow humans are so distracted and disorganized that they only get around to the most essential, familiar or urgent things in their lives. They’re on “autopilot” most of the time - aren’t we all on occasion?

This self-interest is natural and healthy. Use this knowledge of others' desires in your plans and proposals.

Here’s the big principle. If you want something to happen, take control and do it yourself. Don’t get bitter if perhaps someone else didn’t keep a commitment to help you.

It is a waste of time to criticize others, and a bigger waste to pay attention to anyone’s criticism of you. Just know that you can get better at doing things on your own. It’s a LOT easier than trying to get someone else to change."

Bachcha!!!!

• एक टीचर ने मजाक मेँ बच्चो से कहा
जो बच्चा कल जन्नत से मिट्टी लायेगा,मैँ उसे
इनाम दुँगी...!
•अगले दिन टीचर कलास मेँ सब बच्चोँ से
पुछती है.
कया कोई बच्चा मिट्टी लाया?
सारे बच्चे खामोश रहते हैँ...
• एक बच्चा उठकर टीचर के पास जाता है और
कहता है,
लिजीये मैडम, मैँ लाया हुँ जन्नत से मिट्टी...!
•टीचर उस बच्चे को दांटते हुए कहती है;
मुझे बेवकुफ समजता है..
कहाँ से लाया है ये मिट्टी...!
.
.
.
• रोते रोते बच्चा बोला-"
मेरी माँ के पैँरो के नीचे से

Poem!!!!!!!

नया है जमाऩा अजब है दस्तूर
..नये का ढ़ोंग-प्रपंच बुजुर्ग हुये मजबूर।

बाप मरे अँधेरे मेँ
...बेटे का नाम पावर हाऊस

नाम रखा शेरसिंह...
..मेहरारू के आगे बन गया 'माऊस'।

मम्मी पहने साड़ी
...बिटिया जगह-जगह से जिंस फाड़ी।

बहना बाल कटाये
..भईया लम्बी चोटी लटकाये।

बहन जी शर्ट-पैंट में
...भाई जी हेयरबैण्ड कुण्डल लटकाये।

बाप खाये रोटी-चावल
..बेटा पिज्जा-बर्गर ही खाये।

बापू पाथे गाय-गोबर
....पुत्तर घुमाये कुत्ता

बाप पहने गोल्ड स्टार
...पुत्तर रिबॉक का जुत्ता।

बाप-माई प्रणाम कबहुँ ना...
फेसबुक पे गुडमॉर्निंग होये।

बनिये भी धनिया उधार ना दे..
..बस पाकिस्तान कि ऐसी तैसी होये।

मैय्या का आँचल सर पे
..नव पिढ़ी दुपट्टा भी खोये

घर में आटा-दाल खत्म
...बस फेसबुक पे मोदी-कजरी होय

आज के लिये इतना ही काफी
...चले हम भी सोये